1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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