I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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