He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
