my vag is so smooth its legendary
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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