Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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