Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Hippo gnu deer
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
