yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
