I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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