my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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