Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
