walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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