Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
if i died would you start the facebook group?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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