You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
