I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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