for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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