If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
