some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize