god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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