she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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