There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
