drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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