I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
