I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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