Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize