Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
