I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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