How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I need to sanitize my soul.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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