I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
