He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
How does it feel to date your dad?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
