Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
