So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
