i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Success! We fucked roommates!
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
