Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
