i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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