Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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