Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
So apparently I’m into choking now
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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