She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Randomize
