Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
