You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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