I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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