I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She bit a glass in half.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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