Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
