I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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