she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You can't motorboat a personality
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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