You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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