Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
