xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
