Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
