Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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