Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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