Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
