Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
