Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I think I sprained my soul last night
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Randomize
