I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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