i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
