hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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