He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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