you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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