I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize
