Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
