Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
