Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
