I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
