i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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