It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
